Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
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‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
Good dog. ❤️
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie