Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
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[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.