Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
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You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird