@CallousBalzac

Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.

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@Chhapiness

Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight

@WhatevaConc

Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.

@_wangwe

*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here

@golubeerji

I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.

@Schindizzle

My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.

@RickAaron

“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.

@ilovepie84

I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.

@PoodleSnarf

Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*

Doctor: What brings you in today?