Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
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Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
so i’m at the stock market right
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
me adding lol on a serious message
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.