Boss: HR wants to see you

Me: What for?

Boss: Mandatory drug test

Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had

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I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.


Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.


Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.


I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.


I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.

It took a lot longer than I thought it would.


Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.


Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.