@Book_Krazy

Boss: HR wants to see you

Me: What for?

Boss: Mandatory drug test

Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had

You Might Also Like

@Social_Mime

I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.

@SteveDutzy

Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.

@thisislizz

Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.

@whimsik_l

I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.

@steveolivas

I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.

It took a lot longer than I thought it would.

@dhumann

Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.

@BenOnus_Kenobus

Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.