Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.

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Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises

Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out


you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know


I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.


3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.

Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.


“Daddy, what happens when we die?”

“You get married and have kids”


ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.


If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.


Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!

Wife: An uncontested divorce


[news anchor]

“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”

Me: Did-

Wife: Your blood pressure is fine