Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
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*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?