Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
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Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
🙋♀️
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this