BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
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Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.