BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
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[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.