BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
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My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.