Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
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I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
🙀🙀🙀😹
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread