When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
You Might Also Like
I put the h in mysterious.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
what kind of cook setting is this??
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-
Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”