If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
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My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*