Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
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still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
saving face 👀
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
Woke up against my better judgment again
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.