@JohnLyonTweets If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
@GABBYdaAngSaya Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
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@JohnLyonTweets 
@Discourt My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
@WhoTheHeckIsMeg [“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
@_wendyb07 Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
@ceejoyner The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
@envydatropic They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
@PeachCoffin I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
@Contwixt It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
@dreamthievin New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
@ThugRaccoons You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same