BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
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You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.