Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
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Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
What
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me