Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
You Might Also Like
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
lmaaaaaooooooooo
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right