Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
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OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
This woman is my idol. Free her.
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face