boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
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Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
I miss this era type of pranks😭