BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
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repaired
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”