Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
You Might Also Like
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
Okay
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
I missed you with all my darts
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.