boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
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Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
Always a housemaid, never a house.
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.