Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
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i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35