boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
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English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf