BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
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Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
The Joker was right
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’