@michael_raphone

BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan

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@MaraWilson

How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”

@broken_rhi

I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.

@ArfMeasures

Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you!

[Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked

@BurroFuma

I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!

@eleniZarro

You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables

@JermHimselfish

The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep

@3sunzzz

I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.

@JohnLyonTweets

*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door

*hears the word “sex”

*turns down my TV

@iwearaonesie

“are you drunk?”

– everyone’s response when i send a nice text

@AllanForsyth

Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.