BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
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You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there