How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
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I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you!
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.