Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
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Breakfast for Stoners:
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
HERE’S MARKY
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
2022 be like
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good