@sarcasticmommy4 I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
@druuuck BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
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@sarcasticmommy4 
@eleniZarro Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
@Home_Halfway “How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
@YuckyTom Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
@OneFunnyMummy Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
@psybermonkey Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
@Shower4Thought Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
@StellaGMaddox 5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
@Talk_To_The_Hat I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
@TheToddWilliams “I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”