BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
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*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
Me too, bag. Me too….
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math