Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
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My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
me adding lol on a serious message
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
They’re stuck in your pants?
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!