Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
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i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
did it work
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
Plant care tips
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans