BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
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I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”