BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
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why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty