I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
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The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: no thank you.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.