“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
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Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
They’re on their honeymoon
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.