Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
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[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
Not my job 😂
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
Do not levitate over flowers
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services