BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
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6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey