boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
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“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes