BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
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I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.