Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
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Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.