BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
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Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
The French cow says MEUX…
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”