@DaddyJew

Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one

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@rad_milk

GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]

@lionheaded_

if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy

@Elizasoul80

[At auto store]

Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?

“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”

@bewgtweets

Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry

Doctor: You need to listen to your body

My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL

@krisv_723

*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.

@brendohare

Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn

@Elizasoul80

When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.

@DurtMcHurtt

ME: *posing nude for a painter*

GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.

@DanMentos

me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right

[later at dinner]

Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine