Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
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Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.