Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one

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GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]


if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy


[At auto store]

Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?

“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”


Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry

Doctor: You need to listen to your body

My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL


*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.


Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn


When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.


ME: *posing nude for a painter*

GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.


me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right

[later at dinner]

Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine