Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
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My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
My dad.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
Black Friday “markdowns” like
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators