BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
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Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
When I can’t barge, I careen.
How did we not see this back then?
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.