BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
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My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
#Caturday
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song