boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
You Might Also Like
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.