Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
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I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
“What?”
– Jude
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait