@Marlebean

Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.

Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.

Boss: But we’re not serving food.

Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.

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@sleepyassboy

Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.

@HollyHeals

Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.

@JB4Realz

I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.

@NickBossRoss

You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.

@CruisinSoozan

I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS

@iwearaonesie

wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!

wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink

@iamburtjarvis

[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]

other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard

harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT

@ScottLinnen

All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.

@laurenmacdonald

Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.