[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
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Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer