Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
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Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
Mornin
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
don’t be scared
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.