Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
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Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
Not being able to see likes on comments is a tragedy. Love it when two people are arguing and you can see all their little backup dancers
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
[gym]
Personal Trainer: (looking at my workout journal) You were supposed to record the weight you lifted, not how the workouts made you feel.
Me: oh
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
Streamers say ‘mods’ the same way a medieval lord would say ‘guards’
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
