Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oops I deleted….

I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.

does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink

Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!

My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die

“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant

My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night

A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.

SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels

[later]

SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit

Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline

Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream

Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.

[googles “camaflage spiders”]

-no results-

phew.

wait…

[googles “camouflage spiders”]

-11,345,453 results-

motherf

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food

Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it

Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do

🤣😂

No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.

Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.

“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”

Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!

Me: Oh, that is so sweet-

K: *pull out paint*

Me: You really don’t-

K: *pull out glue*

Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-

K: *pull out glitter*

Me: Christmas is cancelled.

Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal

Wife: intercourse?

Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think

How funny!

Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.

Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT

Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛

Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!

There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.

What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.

Golf would be better with landmines.