Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
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If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
I’m not stressed
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.