*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
*puts hand in my mouth*
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
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HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“no they were like faster than normal”
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance: