Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.

I get it fireworks, people set me off too.

Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.

So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.

That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself

[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster

Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance

My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.

Worst ways to die

1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose

BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat

ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*

BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?